That Which Lies Beneath the Shroud

Many people hide behind a shroud, never fully realizing their potential or sharing their gifts. It seems to me, who has been guilty of this type of behavior, the shroud is actually the outside image we use to feel safe. There is a fear associated with projecting the inner person. Why this is, I know not.

Are we afraid of judgement and rejection? I know I am. I am always slightly on edge around people. My inner voice prompting me to not be too loud, laugh at their jokes, nod in agreement--even when these actions are a direct contradiction to who I really am. I find myself doing this to fit in or be accepted by my peers. It's really a shame though because I instinctively know when committing these acts that I could give two figs about the person. Meaning, once I am away from the person I do not feel endeared to them.

I believe what I fear the most is the words, judgements, and actions that happen after I leave. I always wonder did I make a good impression or are they over there laughing like hyenas at my idiocy. I am realizing though that the fear of projecting the true self is  actually quite selfish. I want friends but I don't need friends at the price of dimming my glow. Is there really a need for me to like everyone I meet? I don't think there is.

So, I've decided I will be amicable by smiling and of course giving the day's social greetings of "Good Morning", and so on. I believe in civility even towards those who have wronged you so that also will be given. However, I think focusing on removing my shroud and being the true me, the one who cries at movies, notices beauty everywhere, is overly sensitive, and too logical and analytical at times is the right path for me to traverse. Those meant to be in my life as friend or family will appreciate my honesty in upholding and showing who I am and their sharing of the same will be a gift to me.  Those who don't will move on, and now, today, I am alright with losing some dead weight.

~DivineChaos

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