Forgotten Reminders

Realization crashes over him
There is nothing more for him here
The love that once resided here has long since left
The shadows play across the wall
Revealing the light spots where pictures once stood

One hand touches the wall where his favorite photo hung
His eyes then look to the worn floorboards where it had crashed to so long ago
He turns slowly, eyes moving up the steps
Recalling the days when laughter was heard from above and below

A cold wind blows, his arms tuck tight to his sides
The shattered window allows this reminder tonight.
He shuffles slowly to the door not wishing to be here anymore
As he reaches the door he notices its slight movement
How long had he promised to fix that for her

He groans with pain and flings the door wide
Meeting the world again ripped of his pride
As he crosses the walk he notices her favorite tree
A circuit about it as one hand rubs the bark
Snow brushed aside now reveals the old marks

A crude heart carved upon the tree's skin
I love you now and I loved you then is carved within.
Had he known she had left such love letters would he have fixed the door?
Or would he still be right here wishing to hold her once more...

~DivineChaos

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Photo Credit: Flaming Love

She Stands Alone

She stands alone buried in thoughts
Contemplating who she's been and all that she's not.
Tears prick at the edge of almond-shaped eyes
A quick snap of her neck allows her hair to hang low
Low enough to hide the tear's betrayal of a brave front
Hands dig further into deep pockets
half heartedly searching for the umpteenth time
maybe for spare change or just a shot of hope

Those who pass by seem not to notice the mousy girl
Standing alone in the center of the world
Hands come up empty and steal a swipe
Across moist lashes and choppy bangs
She moves a pace or two first left, no-no she moves right
She moves as though it takes three men's might.
The man in a rush in his charcoal suit offers no apology as he throws her off step
The last bit of dignity she possessed has finally left.

She stands alone buried in thoughts
Admitting to the world life does not turn out the way once thought
A sigh escapes and she struggles ahead
finding a spot where the grass is dead
Dropping low and curling tight
This small patch of earth is her bed tonight

When she awakes no dreams are meant to be remembered
Just another day trying to get by
another day of no one caring to ask why
The freckles that once danced across the bridge of her nose
are now covered in dust. No longer seen for a lover to count.
She no longer feels the pangs of hunger
She is too weighed down with more pressing matters

Who will love her and care to see
The woman she was and is meant to be.
She stands alone buried in thoughts
Finally accepting all that she's not.

~DivineChaos

*Dedicated to every girl in the world who has questioned her place in this world and those who fail to see her.*

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Photo Credit: Google Search

Zoe 101 ~ Character Snippet

   

     She was a pretty baby, born with a head full of thick black hair that would later turn blonde. She was enamoured with sucking her fingers; tall man and ring man. She squirmed and wriggled like any newborn. Her cries akin to a kitten's mew, soft and almost inaudible. Undecipherable faces flashed before her limited eyesight throughout the day producing a jerking arm movement meant to convey some need. Early on when she was still young and carried with her that new baby smell, those tactics worked. When she aged a bit the newness had worn off. The enigma of figuring out an infant had been replaced with the knowledge of imposed limitations stemming from her arrival and growth. 

     When she began to crawl and then later wobble a distance of three feet on short legs with wrinkled thighs reality sank in. What had once been seen as a blessing was now a hinderance and obstacle in the life of the adults near her. This situation was easily remedied with dark alleys and infant car-seats. A drive to the local bar was a joy for her until she was "safely" parked beneath a blown light post.  Her arms would stretch longingly to those in the front seat. With one foot out the door they could hear her plaintive cry, "Me come?" Chubby little fingers would unfurl then close repeatedly until a hollow, "not this time" was uttered.

     She had learned that the car was a home away from home albeit one she would not have chosen for herself.  With nothing but silence enveloping her she learned not to cry, there was no one to hear her. Boredom and curiosity would settle in quickly both pushing her to figure out how to unlatch herself from the restraint of the carseat and the car itself. She never did figure out the puzzle that was the backseat of a Pontiac Grand Prix but she knew she would spend many cold nights locked away within it under the guise of safety.

~DivineChaos

I hope you enjoyed this brief glimpse into the main character of my upcoming book, Zoe 101. Please feel free to give your opinion on this snippet in the comments or by using the contact form on the sidebar, Speak About It. As always, thank you for taking the time to find something worth reading here. ~DivineChaos

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Photo Credit: 123RF

Cloudy With a Chance of Rain

Lately I have been doing a lot of work on my self talk and improving upon a damn near perfect person. Alright, I am exaggerating there, but if I don't say it, who will? Anyhoo, I digress.  I have come to realize that my personality type, INFJ, just does not support being an idle talker. I like to listen to people and analyze their thought patterns, verbage, and behaviors. I find I am quite content to just sit and listen due to the things I am able to extrapolate from people and their actions. 

I used to find myself trying to engage in conversations that I could care less about in order to appear friendly. The truth is though, that is fake.  However, this summer  I have found the rays of sunshine that peek through the clouds by finding the friend within rather than searching and then being disappointed by the friends without. I find I don't need a voluminous list of friends; only a select few who get me and are totally alright with who I am and who I am not. Do not misunderstand, I really do like people. I just prefer a deeper connection rather than superficial and base level civilities. I'd prefer to have friends rather than acquaintances. And that is what brought me through the  low hanging clouds in my mind. The type of clouds that tempt you to complain about the lack of sunshine rather than seeing them as protection from July's thick heat.

I was driving myself to find friends. Applying my own expectations on the relationships to become lasting friendships. Honestly, it just doesn't happen that way. Most won't like you for some or no reason. Some will pretend only to glean gossip to spread to their "real" friends. Others will lull you into a false sense of friendship only to one day leave you questioning what you could possibly have done wrong to garner their sudden distancing. In the end though I came to the conclusion that real friends will find me. That realization stopped the oh-shit-it's-gonna-be-a-70%-chance-of-rain-today mentality. 

Being an only child that was brought up in a home fueled by dysfunction, I found myself always searching for friends and family outside of my home base. I have carried this childish habit into my adult years and though I have realized this very thing before, this summer is the first time I have been truly accepting of the fact. And by accepting it I have changed it.  I am different and can sustain on my own without a plethora of friends and that's quite liberating. I have come to terms with the fact that if someone doesn't care for me that it's alright. I don't have to be a people pleaser. I can be a me pleaser instead. I can be my own friend. I can find solace in those who truly love me for me. I can find myself through thoughts,actions, growth, reading, and writing.

I guess the bottom line to this post is that it is unobjectionable to be exactly who are you. NO apologies and efforts re needed to change who you are today and who you are yet to become. Today, I am proud of who I am.  Though the day may be cloudy through the haze there is respite from the sun's blaze. Though it may rain the brown hue of death turns green with vitality and the joy of puddles can be found in adulthood as they once were in childhood. The external and internal scars have made me who I am and quite frankly those who don't see the real me are missing out because I am one damn fine woman. So take that with you. You too are damn fine.

~DivineChaos

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Photo Credit: Google

The Other Side of When

Turmoil. Desperation. Life is incomplete.

That which is most desired not within reach.

Living a life in question is a depressing feat.

Turmoil, desperation; life is incomplete.

In paradise my hope resides awaiting our longed for meet.

Society and humankind, pleasure and pain they teach.

Turmoil. Desperation. Life is incomplete.

That which is most desired not within reach…

~DivineChaos

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Photo Credit: Skullspiration

Summer's Defeat

Summer is now officially half over--according to my kiddos. Only six weeks left to do my best to cram as many fun-filled activities as I can on a budget that daily curses those who believe $8.45 an hour is overpay. The youngest, eight going on twenty-three, has explained to me in no uncertain terms that I am slacking. Apparently, I am not quite cool enough to grasp this eight year old's take on the summers of the 21st century as opposed to my summers of the oh-so-long-ago 20th century.

I won't lie, I was a bit taken back. Me, no longer cool? Unthinkable, unfathomable, quite unheard of. But alas, I have to admit that when I look at the other cooler, hipper, better paid parents I do seem quite drab. I am not in a place to head out each weekend to a new amusement park. I don't have the resources to join the local pool for a $600+ share to allow me a summer of sitting with parents who are with it. And to top it all off, anything that is in my price range seems to fall under the no-way-in-hell-am-I-doing-that-old-people-crap category. As much as I would like to, I just am not a wealthy woman when we are speaking monetarily and quite honestly, it's a bit disheartening. As a parent you wish you could whip your children off on every commercialized fantasy they see on television, but that simply is not my reality. The weight of this reality evoked a defeated sigh.

I became entrenched within a vision of me in a muumuu, red with enormous violet flowers. It, of course, had the two very deep and might I add convenient pockets to cart my glasses, false teeth, kleenex, and ill-gotten Sweet N' Low packets. My hair was thinning and a drab grey because of course I am to old to worry about my hair nor can I afford the box of Clairol to hide the grey. Not that it would matter, I wouldn't be able to read the directions because I will have forgotten where my glasses are. I'd find them an hour later though--I'm hoping.

This elaborate nightmare continued and I was -jeez- I don't even want to write it but I was....fat. Not just little old lady in a green polyester suit fat, no; this was morbidly obese. I am assuming from the many mornings spent at McDonald's getting breakfast and my free senior citizen's coffee on the side. Other seniors speak to me but I continuously forget mid sentence what my point was and just wave a hand as I suck on my gums since I have forgotten to Poligrip those dentures in on this particular morning. Eventually, I regain my train of thought and interrupt everyone in the vicinity to ramble on about the kids these days and how it was when I was knee high to a cricket.

It was about this time my daughter noticed my glazed eyes and open mouth and began poking me repeatedly. I snapped out of my horrific reverie and plastered a smile across my lips for her benefit. I didn't bother to explain what I was thinking despite her nagging. I just grabbed her small hand and wandered over to the dining room table and sat her down while we looked through some local family publications and the web for a Friday night outing that was by her terms--cool. We finally found one that was acceptable and affordable which pleased me to no ends because I was once again the owner of the cool factor.

Unfortunately though, this same scenario will be repeated again, too many times before school starts back up on August 26. And each time I will feel inferior and somewhat of a failure. I am sure my outlandish visions will be replayed, only the next time will have never before seen, extended, director's cut scenes included. I will do my best to once more soothe the savage beast that is a summer child without comparing myself to other parents. However, I am a comparer; so I will most certainly compare myself to her friend's parents in my mind and dread the first week back to school when every child is chock full of exuberance and stories about their summer. And once again my defeated sigh will get lost upon the stomping footfall of a child who has yet to learn the evils of money, parenting, and the world at large,

~DivineChaos

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Photo Credit: No Place by Chris-tel

Thank You

Just a quick thank you to those who voted for my poem, Minnows. It was chosen as the winner. I am tickled that somewhere tucked safely away in the universe are those I don't know physically but know through spoken word and prose and have chosen to befriend me and my writing in such a manner. I hope you continue to visit me often and enjoy what I pen for you but most importantly, myself.
~DivineChaos
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Photo Credit:Google