Cafe`

Morning arrives and I trip lightly
down the stairs to find the morning lightning.

~DivineChaos

© Copyright 2013, Copyrighted.com

Photo Credit: Jan Zabransky

Blur

Again it starts like any other day,

I wake up to find myself in yet another haze.

Conditions to be met, obligations to be kept.

Unknown people to hurt me still to be met.

The shackle around my ankle feels tighter today

The board across my shoulders feels more tightly strung.

The spirit within feels more tightly wound.

Wading through fog, no clear end in sight

No clear distinction of wrong nor right

The day slips on into another fret filed night.

Nightmares and Monsters pay once again their respects

Etched upon the soul the evils they wrought and spent.

Tragic are the losses, lackluster are the wins

In this game called life there is only one end.

And each man will choose his life's personal sin.

Another night rolls into day stirring up the dust upon the winds.

No way to win and no way to play, the game evolves  for those willing to still play

The lines  blur between reality and fantasy this and every day,

Narrow are my soles that walk the blurred line

Is it even possible to find the destination in time?

Go! Advance! Push with force.

Cry a little louder, try a little harder, walk just a bit farther.

Forget there are no loved ones' arms to surround you

Just the ones waiting for your fall so your mind will be bound to your failures.

The blurred lines  never end, and once more a new day begins.

The haze as always has again settled in...

~DivineChaos

© Copyright 2013, Copyrighted.com

Photo Credit: Google Images

How Chaos Came to Be

It occurred to me that many may not understand the nom de plume I choose to write under, Divine Chaos. So, I figure I'll explain, it may offer insight into who I am and how I come to what you see posted within this blog.

A little over a decade ago, I started making major changes in my life. Some changes were intentional and deliberate others just happened. I began reflecting upon situations and people who made me feel some kind of way in my past. I began evaluating my behavior, actions, and parts I had played in my downfall. This was not a good time to know me-- I was a complete bish.

I grew up with little parenting, in fact, to say I received a little is being generous. For a long time I blamed my childhood on other areas of my life where things were not up to snuff. Once I was a bit older, and I use the world older loosely here; I was in a perpetual stage of anger. Anger at what I should have had as a child, anger at my lot in life, and anger at myself. The anger with myself was mostly because  I considered myself unworthy of those things I envied in other people and their families.

I went on living a life fueled by anger. I pushed good people out of my life because I labeled them as too good for me. I kept thugs, hustlers, and bad boys right up under my arm. See, this type of person is after the same thing you are-- acquaintance without ties and obligations. I searched for freedom through a lifestyle of dashes of liquor and long nights. It did not work, I was still questioning my existence.  In case you have yet to guess, I didn't get very far but I did my damn best to exhaust the use of anger. Finally, I gave in throwing my hands up and just saying, "Feck it all." For those contemplating a life of anger-- don't bother, it's highly overrated.

At some point I noticed I was not growing. I was an emotional child trapped in an adult body. So I did what I thought would save me- I dove into every religion I could trying to find out the purpose of life when you come from the place I had. To be quite honest, I learned a lot, however; none of it answered sufficiently my wish to find the purpose of, or rather, my purpose in life. I did use what I learned to re-evaluate many of my actions and life choices, so in many respects this soul-searching wasn't for naught. I also learned something I value highly to this day. Religion is not for me because truth has more than one door. I have opted for an eclectic mix of many teachings which make up my personal religion, better known as spirituality.

Once I quit putting my hopes in religion and books, questioning my childhood, and being someone I wasn't meant to be  and just began to try to see my life through the eyes of others; it dawned on me that my life was two things, divine and chaotic. The two complement and compete with one another. I realized that the idea of the perfect life was a fantasy. I decided I will be content with the life I  been given--one of divine chaos. I found that I could empathize with almost any book, movie, situation, or person due to my past. I could laugh and relate to the chaos and I could see the divine spark of intention and potential in myself and others.

I am a fractal. A fractal is a  curve or geometric figure, each part has the same statistical character as the whole. I began to realize that I am the essence behind the questioning voice in my head. That the sum of who I am is not greater than  parts of me, good or bad, that comprise my being. That up close, like a fractal, I look a hot, chaotic, mess but from above the whole picture is attained and my real beauty is seen.  So I accepted my lot because I can now, and because it is who I am.

So now, I have embraced both the Divine and the Chaos in my life. Please, do the same....

~Yours~

~DivineChaos

© Copyright 2013, Copyrighted.com



Photo Credits: Nietzsche & Fractal

Slipping on a Star

Sitting beside you yet watching from afar

Afraid of being myself,  I am not certain who you are.

Moments feel like lifetimes each one allowed to slip by.

You don't question my silence and I don't wonder why.

Why do we pretend we care ,when the reality is not one is willing to share?

Drifting along one another in life, neither one cares about the others duress.

Typical, it seems for each one us to paddle along ungiving of trust.

Is it really so hard to be who we are; if I recall we are all made from stars.

So again I sit here beside you still not certain of who you are.

but this time your silence leaves no scar.

~DivineChaos

© Copyright 2013, Copyrighted.com

Photo Credit: Gemini Observatory/Lynette Cook

Declarations

It's the Fourth of July here in the states and already there are well wishers and those who've forgotten fireworks are technically best seen after dusk. I will not sit here and pretend that I have mused over the original 13 colonies and bald eagles. I did listen to a piece on UpWorthy narrated by Morgan Freeman. I learned that Jefferson had originally written into the draft of the Declaration of Independence a line on the moral depravity and human injustice of slavery. It was, of course, deleted. However, I found it intriguing to learn Jefferson, a slave-owning man, understood the injustice being perpetrated against a fellow-man because of his superfluous melatonin.

This left me thinking for a bit about how often we overlook prejudice and stereotypes still. Are we really free? How could one call himself free when still bound by the small-mindedness of perpetuating prejudice and stereotypes against others and himself?  It seems impossible to believe we have come so far yet we still have so much further to go. An endless journey of sorts it would seem. We impose stereotypes through media, through clothing, and through economics. Yes, some of us even use skin color to decide someone's worth or lack thereof.

I can recall times in the past three decades where America fell far short of its Declaration, worse yet I can recall when I have personally fallen short of the Declaration--Jefferson's and my own. Perhaps I should elaborate here. I believe we all have a personal declaration. It is created by our thoughts, morals, ethics, feelings, and actions. It may not be penned across a scroll of parchment and signed by our own immediate founding fathers, but it is written across our mind, heart, spirit, and soul. Some days we master the intent of our declaration and others we simply don't make rank.

I have been guilty of many things which enslaves not only others but myself in pain. No, I have not murdered anyone or anything near that caliber. What I mean is that I have said or not said, done or not done, and acted or not acted in ways that were untrue to my declaration and by no means upheld others'. I have many times allowed myself to fall victim to my tongue and thoughts and in doing so have damaged myself and others.

Somehow, I don't think I have always allowed myself to be free. In that way where one is not concerned with the opinions of others but is simply happy and free being exactly who they are. And that is where I am at today. Rethinking my freedom and personal declaration. Evaluating what is truly important and allows me to be free of the shackles of others judgements, stereotypes, and prejudices. I want those around me to accept me for who I am and who I am not and I want to be free to give them the same in return. I want to honor justice and fairness just like our forefathers with mercy and forgiveness. Most importantly I want to continue to proofread and edit when necessary. Isn't that what true independence is?

So today I  revisit declarations, those imposed upon me by birthplace and those I have written for myself. I will be off later to celebrate with fireworks the birth of this nation and the rebirth of my declaration. I will do my best to make sure that my actions align with how my personal declaration reads. I will carry the fanfare on after this day and I will keep an eraser in my pocket to make changes when needed.

Ha, No bald eagles here; the eraser will be my icon. What's your's?

~DivineChaos

© Copyright 2013, Copyrighted.com

Photo Credit: Google

Designs

I realized at some point I would have to admit this fact to others, but most importantly to myself  in my life. I have done this in stages, the admitting, I mean. As a child, I was too young of mind to see the consequences of any of my actions. I think this is the way of most who are really quite young. And  quite honestly much of the destruction in my childhood has been created by those around me in unconscious and intentional ways. I did not realize then I am gifted with a foundation of familial dysfunction and destruction.

As I aged a bit and began to have relationships with the opposite sex I was still blind to the fact that I was indeed in the middle of adding to this foundation of destruction.  I choose unwisely more often than not. I choose to enter relationships that traded one brand of dysfunction for another. So naïve of me to believe that dysfunction has only one face. There I was designing my destruction unwittingly, allowing others to mistreat me. While I am not subscribing to the ideal that their behaviors are my fault, I do believe that by staying in these relationships that I was in fact showing up for the planning of my destruction.

I grew a bit more and though fearful of the unknown I had grown more fearful of the known. I was no longer willing to toss myself of the side of life's cliff. Somehow, I had determined that there has to be more to life than this. I recognized I had a small set of wings. Not upon my back like one of God's winged creatures, but rather, attached to my heart and spirit. I became the young sparrow, pushed out the nest with the hope of flying but not with the self-assuredness that I could fly.

I hit the ground hard. It took me a long time to muster faith in those wings again. I built an exterior that laced defensiveness, anger, and stoicism to prove to myself and the world that hitting the ground had not phased me. This habit was one of the first real self-imposed designs of destruction. Somehow, I believed this persona embodied strength. If I was strong there would be no way to get hurt again. That was insanity atop destruction.That niggling voice in your head telling you to back off from a situation out of fear turns the arrow on the compass. I was directionless.

Time has passed. Some days it has passed quickly, others years have seemed interminably long. I learned that I brought destruction upon myself. I have no control what others say or do. I have no control over whether they like me or not and approve of who I am or what I do. The destruction woven in my childhood by others, then co-signed by me in my young adult years taught others how to treat me. I played a significant role in that by staying around for continued dysfunction and destruction.

I have picked up many bad habits along the path of destruction and have spent a lot of time evaluating which of those habits are really serving me well. The hard outer shell which I once thought kept me shielded from pain has slowly cracked. The uselessness of this juvenile defense mechanism is  acknowledged for what it truly is. It does not keep pain out, it locks it within. I have become a much different person these days. I allow myself to be vulnerable and at times it is painful when someone takes advantage of that knowingly or unknowingly. I have learned that I am alright being quiet and alone with myself. If others choose to take me as I am or leave me to myself is of no consequence because beauty of  who I am now  has grown despite the scars of destruction.

I am now at a point in my life where it has dawned on me in the clearest of ways that I am the only one who can design who I am. If I put up with or stick around for another's insanity than I am choosing to internalize and once more destroy myself. Only I have the ability to change myself. Each entity in my life has taught me good and bad, right and wrong. I have learned what I want out of relationships, family, life, and myself. Occasionally, I get caught up in the minutiae but now I have the ability to stand back and look at the overall design of the project that is my life. When I realize I am backsliding, those wings beat a bit and the sound returns my eyes and spirit to the direction of designing castles in the sky rather than prisons on the earth. The sparrow though small still flies in these instances perching atop the castle ledges.

I am the architect of my destruction yet I am the creator of a slightly askew abstract that when finished will represent the colors of who I truly am and what I have overcome. Those who wish to see the work of art have free passes, those who don't can pick up my discarded plans and build their own destruction.

~DivineChaos

© Copyright 2013, Copyrighted.com

Photo Credit: Google

Faces

Today I woke up and put on my happy face. I traipsed down the stairs eager to pour my coffee and ease into my day. This attempt was thwarted by a 7:41 a.m. pre-recorded telemarketing call. Apparently, someone loves me dearly and thinks I am incredibly clumsy and feeble of body and PREPAID for me to be the (proud?) recipient of a brand spankin' new Life Alert System.

So of course I was then left with a few choices. Do I put on my WTF face, my disgruntled face, or the OMG I am getting old depressed face? I chose the WTF face and sloshed coffee about the table as I plopped the cordless on the table. -Yes, I know it is an antiquated notion, but I do still have a landline.

I had about a good 30 minutes to myself pondering my age over coffee before the 8 year old bounded down the stairs. Before she could hit the bottom step I had put on my mommy face.For those who may not be familiar with this face, it is a face that conveys love, concern, teaching, and if need be; discipline, at all times. This face has brought me years (and tears) of joy, pride,love, and happiness.Oh, and exasperation but could I really expect molding human beings not to be exasperating?

The mommy face stays on during all waking hours and occasionally in the wee hours of the night. However, the mommy face sometimes acts as a defense, hiding other faces within and beneath it. It can hide the face which shows I am feeling inadequate or the one that shows I'm feeling especially vulnerable.It many times reveals the hey that's my kid you're messing with face and the my heart breaks because I can't fix this for you face. This face also holds the title for the most times it has made me put on my impatience face and my I have no clue what to do right now face.

There is of course the work face. I am generally pretty proud of this face because I am able to help others when in this face and find it altogether easier to deal with the wave of stupid one can find when dealing with others. This face also allows me a reprieve from having to do everything perfectly because as a tutor each tutee learns in a different manner.

I find my friend face doesn't get used often enough. I am sure part of it is because how can you really trust everyone you meet that claims to be your friend?  Many put on this face, too; only for them it is a facade. A means to pick through your words and actions to use against you later  for mere idle gossip with others. When I put on this face it is attentive, loyal, and well intentioned despite mistakes.There is also the reality that I find many people to be not my type; however that could just be the fearful voice we all own in our minds.

Of course, I can't forget the wife face, This face is oftentimes the hardest as I feel obligated to act in some ways like June Cleaver; cooking, cleaning, looking pretty, and all the other things the good wife is (supposed?) to do.The wife face also holds the I'm getting annoyed with you, and the well known I have no idea who you are and what you are doing right now faces. The best of this face are the nested faces. The bright I am so happy to have you here with me face and the worst is the dark we are seriously about to have a row right now face.

The other faces, the ones which most often stay hidden from view and are rarely talked about are the I've been hurt before face, the can I trust you face, and the past still haunts me face. I've done a fair amount of work on these faces and have mostly hung them on the wall like Mardi Gras masks but occasionally I will revisit the wall and snag one down to wear for a bit.

It's a strange thing, these faces we wear. The ones we are comfortable showing and the ones we hide from view. The odd thing is many of us deny having these faces, the good, bad, and indifferent ones. I think we fail to remember that we are multi-faceted when dealing with our self and with others. I think the face of fear keeps us from admitting to such truths even if we pretend to be fearless.

Today, I think I am just going to own my many faces and be appreciative of having the ability to reveal and cycle through them. Each of my faces present an opportunity for growth, exploration, and learning through life's lessons. Each one of them contributes to who I have been, who I am now, and who I am yet to become. And, I am quite sure I will pick up a few new faces to add to my arsenal as life goes on.

~DivineChaos

© Copyright 2013, Copyrighted.com

Photo Credit: David Ho